A New Page in a very old story

Sometimes in life you stop and think, about your situation, your goals, your dreams...whatever plops down at that very moment when you draw an unusual aside that actually fits. You find a parallel that you may not have thought about before. A twist on how to arrange things in your mind, often cluttered by a panoply of myriad confused ramblings clamoring for a voice or a way out.

So I happened to be chatting with a girlfriend last night and I started on about the Principia Mathematica, written by Isaac Newton and published in the 1680's. Being somewhat of a science "geekette" I was struck by an interesting parallel to my own life. The Principia, as you may or may not be aware sparked the discovery of calculus (actually Newton had to build the framework of calculus, use it to describe astronomical events and then break it back down into geometry scholars could understand) and I thought, as we were discussing something how I was rather finding the underpinnings of my own existence and how, even if I was not sure how the grand scheme would be, I was finding some diagrams to work it out a little more. Like so:

Now it's true that I have found a complicated way of life, and a confusing one as well. My friend remarked how she found it 'cool' that I could live in-between two worlds as I do. I find it sometimes a true blessing and sometimes I wish I could just make up my mind (that's for another blog, another time...) - let's be honest it does make life a bit challenging! But if the diagram above bears any testament of will, the path from him to Samantha is full of things that will tug you off course. Newton found that the Moon's motion in the sky was incredibly difficult to figure out (he was quoted as saying that it was the one concept he worked on that gave him a headache), so the journey of one girl, all by herself, but not alone, is enough to give one a headache, plus indigestion, dandruff, diarrhea and the shakes all at once! There's no book on how to live life, no quote that magically makes other people understand you. Nope. There ARE resources but the ultimate resource is you have to just go and experiment until you get it right.

So that being said, as I was thinking all this through I figured I needed to 'write' my own guide, at least to myself, and laughingly called it the Principia Samanthatica. Now remember that Newton only had some conceptual ideas and the geometry of Euclid, etc. to base his reasoning off of. He didn't have a rocketship or advanced telescope to make deductions. He just looked at what data he had, figured it out as best he could, tested as best he could and then settled each concept. He was trying to make the data fit the observations and not make the data the pinnacle of some deeper attempt to glaze over a concept and make it something it was not.

So when I start 'writing' the chapters that lead me where I will go, I don't know what the result is. I may have to bend some ideas into shape and I may have to shatter a few chains about myself, gender identity and being fluid about myself. My goal is not to (hopefully) create a mass of confusion but to create a symbol of hope for myself and others. Each day is a chance to construct a diagram, plot out the data and factor it into the greater person. Looking at how you walk, an interaction with someone, a lesson learned, a conversation held, a concept discovered, a skill mastered... all those things are part of this 'book'. By books can we pass along knowledge to those who come after us.

Some will say that being 'fluid' about gender makes one 'not count'. I have heard this a number of times "if you don't fully transition you don't really count." Count for what? I see people all the time that are just barely skimming the surface of gender variance and they count to me, even if they skedaddle from those moments so fast you'd think it was a dragonfly darting here and there, hunting for a quiet spot to rest her wings before moving on to her next great journey in her quest. So is being different than say, you, dear reader, what you're trying to convey to me? That since I am 'different' in my expression or my thinking, I don't 'count'? Yeah, that's a WTF moment... women used to not be able to vote because they were 'different'. African-Americans had to drink from a separate fountain because they were 'different'. Gay people were treated as the scourge of society and the cause of AIDS, because they were 'different'. I don't think I need to draw a diagram to show you that whatever was being lobbed at me made no sense. OK, so I am different than you. Are you sure you're not different too??

Now the factors involved can change, but I am always trying to 'solve for' S. She needs her time among the gals finding out what works and what doesn't. She needs to contemplate her own needs and wants and factor those into that bigger equation. It's not to make the equation harder to understand, or needlessly complex, but just to find out my source, the wellspring that makes me tick and is the framework of who I am. This being is a complex dimension of intricate strands, each with it's own ideology and direction. Some thoughts are like force carrying vectors, you can't see the cause but you can see and prove the effect. So Newton did with the (likely apocryphal) tale of the apple and equating it to the Moon. So Samantha is, in effect, falling towards her gender identity but she never quite reaches it. It takes a degree in analytical reasoning and sound judgement to journey beyond the simple get-up-go-to-work-come-home-walk-the-dog-go-to-bed kind of humdrum life. I have another dimension that adds complexity and, yes, a bit of apprehension, to my existence. I can see the effect, but not the cause. QED

Truth be told, it's a little justification for those that lob these sorts of gems our way (for I am not alone in who I am and what I feel). Just because YOUR box doesn't have room in there for me, so I don't believe I'd want to be in your little velvet container in the first place. You can't accept me for who I am then don't bother with me. And I shall not bother you either. Don't come along and build someone up stating how wonderful it is that 'you' are so terrific, wonderful and caring, but then say you don't count because you are a second (or worse) class citizen in the trans community. Really? So it's one hand reaches out to embrace while the other is brandishing a knife? That's just wonderful, isn't it?

So as this life rolls on, I learn these lessons and you start to see the paint chip away from other people too. You realize that you play by that 'golden rule' but when others don't you start to figure out deeper meanings to how the paradigm shifts to fit their expectations of who you should be. Sorry but no one defines me BUT me. If you say I am an outsider, a bitch, a confused coagulation or I don't count, then so be it. Don't let it bother you because I don't need it in my life, but I will tell you that finding out what is under that rock will sometimes make you shiver or make your skin crawl. Peeling away the outside often is just fine, you get to know someone well, the inner layers are better than the outer shell can hold. Their framework is a diagram of content leisure and understanding. Still, as Newton wrote 'every action has an equal and opposite Reaction'; so it is the case with the trans community, we see some elements that don't want a gender fluid or a dynamically different person in their midst because we're not the same as you'd like us to be. I've heard it time and time again... people who call you names because you aren't following in THEIR footsteps. If you were a true 'leader', you'd embrace everyone and help them see their potential and built up their strengths and shore up their weaknesses, not call them names, honey. It's just you trying to throw shadows on your life by making fun (or calling people names) to cover the fact it once happened to you. You hated it and were ashamed. Now the heel fits and you are kicking out at others because you feel you are empowered. Or mightier than others, or... whatever. The framework works out like that. Not every result of your calculations is going to work itself out to a nice simple answer. Newton said "I can calculate the motions of the heavenly bodies, but not the madness of people." You can calculate the result of an equation via one method and get one answer, change the way you do it and you get a different answer. And then the self-doubt creeps in and you wonder if maybe BOTH answers are wrong. Sometimes they are, truth be told. You sometimes need to just break off bits and pieces, deducing what you need and leaving the rest aside for a later time. It's also easier to simplify things by substitution in order to make the larger picture more worthwhile. It's the same with life, sometimes the simple outweighs the complex, and can be extraordinarily elegant, like a fine woman in a superb and gorgeous gown.

OK... so I hope I am making a small point as you read this and maybe you take this into YOUR heart and nurture it. Looking at the underlying framework of who you are, the factors that made you who you are and what you will become, they are all there. Look at people whom you admire, for their courage, steadfastness, artistry, whatever... trans or not. Look at them and use their life, their actions and their understanding to bolster your own and build you up higher. Their actions can often lead you to think about your own decisions and help guide you to the solution that works best for you.

Even Newton didn't just wake up and think 'gee, I think I'll go discover a new branch of mathematics today' and shuffle off with his pipe and robe to scrawl some notes. He himself wrote "if I have seen a little further, it is only from standing on the shoulders of Giants". Let that guide you, inspire you or maybe just awaken that sense of the framework of your own life and use it to create something uniquely your own.

May your solution be elegant and may your harmony be completing.

Can I get a vat of the Milk of Human Kindness....?

These days it seems like a lot of people are aiming pot-shots at the LGBT community, politicians spew rhetoric about "overturning don't ask, don't tell repeal" and how Christians "aren't gay", etc. Before you think I am going to go off on a political tirade, relax. It's not worth it, because once one source of BS gets fixed, another crops up, sometimes I think it is a sensationalist trick to lure people into making a media hype and get them their own late night talk shows.

No, not going to talk about 'them' as much as I want to talk about 'us'.

We're not all perfect and we're not all in the same spots in life, but one thing I know about trans people in particular is that we have some remarkably intelligent and savvy people who care about their fellow trans friends as deeply as they care about members of their family and their animal companions. They are gifted writers, musicians, artists, scientists, athletes, government officials and teachers. They lean forward with an interested gaze as you say your peace. You don't feel threatened, it's more like you sat down with an old, dear friend who just listens and lets you go off with what you need. Then drawing a deep breath, they smile and start to comfort you and explain things to you. They have compassion and understanding. After all they are members of this community too, chances are. The LGBT population has many such counselors who have compassionate understanding.

So when our population is targeted as being 'sub-human', 'freaks' and 'abominations before <insert deity or political figure here>' here's the thing: we breathe the same air as you, eat the same food, inhale the same oxygen and drink the same water. We're concerned about education and our children's future, we're active in finding politicians who stand up for what we believe in. In some cases we drink the same beer (or wine) as you, maybe even from the same glass and we might be persuaded to jump into a quick game of pick-up basketball. We want to get promoted at our jobs, have successful lives, a family who supports and loves us (as we return) and we'd like to be able to purchase the car/boat/house of our dreams.

Sound familiar? It should. It's what everyone who reads it will agree upon. If I ask someone on the street who is 'straight' whether they'd like to have a million dollars chances are they would say yes. It's the same with an LGBT community member. There's a lowest common denominator here: we're all human!!

Yes, you read that right.

It's surprising how many people lose sight of the simple things. Gay marriage should be allowed everywhere. The rights for a person to change his or her gender, with guidance from a medical professional (for safety of the patient), should be accepted and agreeable. Two women should have the right to kiss and hold hands in public and not be judged. I should be able to go out in public as myself and not be stared at, laughed at, ridiculed or despised like some freak of a bestial sin. I should be able to walk into a store to buy clothes, shoes, a pocketbook or an ice cream cone.. since-- guess what? Yup, I use the same money you do. I should be able to walk my dog down the street in peace because I got my dog from a shelter, thus saving another life from ending and providing companionship for mine.

Yes, we own animals, we mow the lawn, we pay our bills and we pay taxes just like everyone else. Some of us like plants and some of us are allergic to them. Some of us like rock music, others love country, or opera or death metal. Some members of our population love to dress down, in jeans and a shirt and go weed the garden; some of us love to get all dressed up and go out for a whirling dervish of a night on the town. Sounds alien, no?

No.

What tires me is the endless banter of crap about how we're 'freaks', 'weirdos' and 'child molesters'. Hey, aren't there "straight people" like that too? Didn't Jeffrey Dahmer hack people to pieces and put them in his freezer and everyone else thought 'there's nothing much wrong with him'? Hmmm....right. I imagine that had Timothy McVeigh had a boyfriend or was known to put on high heels and a dress, we'd all have been labeled terrorists and suffered yet more indignity at the hands of those who "believe in the natural order of things." Sorry people, but animals also can and also are gay. You don't see an elk screaming and kicking the crap out of another elk because they are gay... only we do that. Yet Chrissy Lee Polis got beaten to a pulp, people taped it and laughed at her misfortune, because she was trans and thus 'not human'. We call ourselves civilized.... remind me why again?

We can be judged and when we explain how we should not be judged, we are told to shut up because we're treated like mistakes. Hiccups in the continuum of humanity. We're equated with mental retardation, delinquency and anti-social behavior. Never mind that we go out in 'groups', we form 'relationships', we have 'children' who grow up to have tolerance for everyone and we have parents, siblings and relatives just like everyone else. We own businesses, teach in schools, serve the sick in hospitals, mentor children with learning disabilities and bake pies for an elderly neighbor who has no family left and is all alone. But yet, we're the 'freaks'.

What I want to get at, bottom line is this: it harkens more and more to something that happened over 70 years ago and we're just trying to dredge it back up under a different name and in different circumstances. They called themselves the 'National Socialists' and anyone who didn't conform to their way of thinking, or fit their description of the ideal 'person' were herded up, crammed into boxcars and sent off to places with now chilling names like Dachau, Auschwitz and Bergen-Belson, among thousands more. Pretty soon people in power will have short mustaches, wear jackboots and speak in clipped tones if we don't keep the spirit of what makes us different alive and vibrant. It's coming to a head as I listen to the terrible, humiliating treatment my friend has received in, of all places, Germany. Disrespected, humiliated and cruelly laughed at. Taunted and treated like a joke, a freak and a mental case. She has a Ph.D. and more education and smarts than most 'straight' people I know. She just happens to have an incongruity in her gender that she is working to correct. She is not a sub-human child of demonic parents trying to convert (or infect, I love that like being gay or trans is a communicable disease you can get by just seeing a trans/gay/bi person either on TV, in a movie or on the street walking in their dog) kids and people into her way of thinking. She'd much rather go out, have a good time, get her work done and go home, relax and take a nice bath. Sounds appealing, doesn't it? But, because the 'moral majority' thinks that we are sickening and perverted, so we are treated worse than a cockroach on the kitchen sink. Even that creature's end comes mercifully quick and not with so much humiliation and cruelty involved.

When did we get the right to call ourselves civilized again? Is civilization only about inventing the wheel, the motor car and the Apollo space capsule or is it something more than that? I think we owe it to ourselves to make it more than that!

Lastly I wanted to leave you with a quote my sister Christina reminded me of this morning and it speaks volumes of what we need to be aware of:

"First they came for the communists,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a communist.

Then they came for the trade unionists,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Jews,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a Jew.

Then they came for me,
and there was no one left to speak out for me."
-Martin Neimöller

If it doesn't concern you... it should.

December is coming in...

The last month of (our) calendar year gives me pause to think and reflect on some things. Like everyone else, things I want to accomplish are top and things I'd rather not think about are rather lower down the priority of thought index, but still you need to give them their due consideration as well. You know the inevitable question you get asked: 'So, what's your New Year's resolution?'

Before I jump into thoughts about it, I'd like to clarify that this year I've gotten to like the whole me a little bit more than I ever had prior. All aspects of it, I mean. It's not to say my life is perfect or I have everything I want, that's never the case with anyone. I have things and goals to achieve but for a standpoint of getting into a shower or under the covers to sleep I can say that my personal decisions seem OK with my physical dimensions...for the moment. I am still soul-searching so that may change. Now, to the point(s).

First I want to be able to achieve dressing more than I have. This past year was pretty barren, some of it due to work, some of it due to other circumstances. I also need to get out the makeup brushes and really apply myself to learning the art of putting it on. There are great resources out there, like YouTube, etc. that I have barely tapped into to learn techniques, what sorts of equipment I need, etc. It's all out there, somewhere, if I just sit down and look.

I also need to organize and get my act in gear. I tend to misplace things and when your mind is cluttered so is everything else. I want to take time to get myself into an organized state of mind and then apply myself to keeping that way. That will make a happy girl, not a frazzled 'where the %#$# did I put my earrings??!?!' kind of girl. Happy is more productive and keeps the blood pressure at a more constant number. :-)

All in all, as time goes along, I want to keep myself from going to the 'batty' places, straightening my life out in its myriad shambles is not good and not healthy either. I need to also take more time to keep myself 'femme' as much as I can. This morning I picked up a pair of underwear and just held them to my cheek, savoring the sweet softness and delicate nature of the material and what it means to me, before heading off to tackle another day of insanity. It was like a moment of sweet silence, of waking to hear a bird gently singing and a warm comfortable breeze wafting over your blissfully naked body. You arch and stretch and feel so comfortable. That's the sort of effect I am going for here (or, the idea of it).

I've got my work cut out for me but if I remain diligent, I can see results. And once the results are there, the time I can devote to being myself will expand because I will be a) better organized, b) more in a sound frame of mind from being better organized and c) better able to come to grips with what I need to do because I won't feel so frazzled.

That's not to say there won't be ups and downs, moments where the path becomes slippery, but as I posted in the last blog, this is NOT a race. I am going at the pace I need to go at, determining what my life means. I lived in denial for so long, I can't just rip down that sense and build a new one. It takes some time and prioritizing my immediate goals. Getting out and enjoying time as 'me' will be a great lift to my spirits, but organizing myself and getting a handle on the shambles in my life has got to take top priority. Then I can focus on more fun things, more interesting things and I will be better able to enjoy them as well.

Earlier this year I had gutted out a closet and tossed all the male clothes (dress shirts, slacks, etc.) into a bag and off they went. I made it my 'girls only' closet so I had a place to organize myself, but the other areas became a shambles, a sprawl I intend on working to correct. Time is tight through the end of the year but it will come and I will push myself not to make do with "I'll get started on this tomorrow." Tomorrow's too late, today's the day....carpe diem!!

And once the sprawl and decay of neglect are eradicated, the happiness from being sorted out and in control will take over and this girl will move from being frazzled to feeling accomplished.

And getting positive things done is a great accomplishment indeed!

A New Sensation...

The other day I was going down the stairs when I noticed something I had not ever noticed before...

Jiggling!

I'm not referring to loose change in my pocket or some happy containers of 'Jello' but another...physical sensation. The slow development of breasts.

I'm pretty much trying to go a more herbal/natural route to begin with so I can work through other issues but maybe see some sense of progress, some hint of the way things will go.It's not like I am suddenly sprouting a full C cup or anything- heck they aren't even A----, no the changes are slight... but they are changes.

And change can be a good thing.

It's a unique thing to feel this way, having never noticed the up and down motion of this part of my body my brain immediately processed the difference and my mind immediately identified it. It was a distinctly female body motion (at least what I imagine is one...) and it made me acutely aware of something.

A lot of girls go into the process of transitioning like it's a footrace, you have to be hare or tortoise, hammer or anvil. It's not. It's about taking the life you want to live and work at the pace that fits all the pieces you have to coordinate with. Think of it as you get asked to go out, you stare at your closet, not sure what will work with what and your moods and sensations and expectations play a part. Not everyone is in this to gallop off into the sunset like a western. Remember not to rush yourself because rushing...well you know the old saying about rushing and angels fearing... yeah, that one. Don't set such a breakneck speed for your transition that you actually do break your neck, even in a philisophical manner.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, the small steps I have been taking took a leap forward. I no longer said 'gee, what would it feel like' to 'so, this is what it feels like!', a big jump! Now you may think that I will accelerate the regimen, but I will keep the pace I am at. I am not running a marathon... I am living this thing called 'life'. Life is what happens while you're thinking and doing other things. It is there, then it's gone. Seize the moment you have and live your life for yourself, because no one else can.

These tiny growth spurts are part of a larger picture, I see that, but the journey is foggy. The path uncertain and the destination murky... but I know what I would like to do now, and I welcome the changes that help me self-identify better.

It's not a milestone, but it sure feels like an accomplishment, and I am all for accomplishing something. Next step is to encourage them to grow more!!

Perhaps I'll try fresh new soil and some fertilizer as well! :-)

A new world....

I am strong in some ways but I am weak in others... It's been proven that a rose that kisses me infatuates me too!!

I want to show those I love that I am capable of more... I share the desire to be loved and be loved. But I have this need, so many needs actually, to spread my love in new ways.

It's how it is. Really.

It's like this: my honey is my gorgeous lover and I want to please her so much! I have this sense, call it a need, to let her be worshiped by me. It's part of a relationship, the give and take. She gives and I take. As she paddles my rear, she also adorns me with her leash, I feel it is all OK. She makes me proud to be a lesbian, a TS girl who wants to worship her lovely, hard shec***.

Yes, I desire both sides of the sexual spectrum. I think about her gently tying me down and lightly spanking me, Dominating my will as she dominates my masculinity. She is MY lover! And as her sub I want to make her aware of how her thoughts turn me on and show me a bright new world!

It's time to put away the past and time to work toward the future. It's the purest definition of a realtionship. I want to be submissive to her will, but it will take time. I am not that experienced, not a true submissive in every sense. I am just a simple girl!

I have a true method when determining who I will be submissive to. It starts with the idea that being her sub is a way of my life and a thought, a fantasy, we share. She shares her thoughts and ideas and we develop a strategy to play. She feels a tender need to spank me, yet she cannot feminize me because I already am. I am already her submissive female lover. I have learned that many submissives are very strong-willed, creative and very smart. I think I fit that bill!

Because I am transsexual and so is my lover, we can bend gender in interesting ways. I can let her spank me in pure white as the fallen snow all the while my mind filled with thoughts of making love to her. I have these ideas because my mind races when I am with her and my sexual desires peak when she is close to me.

Once in a while we reverse, a practice known as 'Switch'. I put her in her place, but I still revel in her feminine sex. I can't remain that way very long, looking at her reddened buttocks and squirming needs, I surrender the desire to dominate and revert back to being an equal lover with her. Soon we are naked and cuddling, equals among no others and the Switch is over. We are an equal couple again.It puts a fire into our relationship and our sex life fires up by being in different positions. Accepting the will of another, or showing her my will. We go slowly and engage only in healthy play that excites and entices both of us. We want to have so many weapons in our arsenals to keep sex and love exciting!

Laying naked with her, our mutual sex enraged and engorged by close, intimate contact, excites us both. Laying with her I am almost feeling overwhelmed as I know she feels the same. It's part of life and part of the sanctuary of our relationship. She adores me, and I adore her!

We are equal in all matters, but isn't it fun to bend our relationship as we bend our gender? :-)

COGIATI!!

As  I sit here, dressed in female jeans and looking at painted nails I made a decision to take the COGIATI test.

The COGIATI stands for the COMBINED GENDER IDENTITY AND TRANSSEXUALITY INVENTORY (you can take it here... http://transsexual.org/cogiati/index.php?lang=en) (it's in English... be warned it is geared to people like myself, MtF transgendered ladies...)


It's best if you answer honestly and truthfully how you feel. I looked at each question and tried to answer as best I could.


I scored 195, which is a Grade Four, Probable Transsexual. They suggest: Your situation is potentially serious and indicative of a probable inborn gender conflict. It is definitely recommended that you pursue further action.

This is not news to me but taking this 'test' showed me that I am more female than male. I know it is true, last night I came home and painted my nails. I went around today in girl jeans and wearing nail polish. It was a bit awkward but I just did what I had to do. And everything fell into place. I was happy with that.

Still, some fantasies haunt me a bit, but they are less than a sort of affirmation.If I am free to be me, I chose to be female. If I am free to love, I chose another trans girl first. It's how I relate. Trans girls accept you and don't label you. They love you and don't bother you over details.

I am probably transsexual and I am OK with that!

This is stated: Your gender issues are real, and should not be ignored. This I knew... this is part of a test of am I lying to myself or am I trans? From the indications, I am transsexual. From the indications my desires to paint my nails and wear girl jeans, then go out in public are NOT a publicity stunt. I don't seek attention and I do seek completion. My gender doesn't define me, and yet my gender expression does! It's very hard! I have never ignored my gender issues since I learned that they WERE issues. I have never turned a friend away for thinking something they were not. My trans friends are my sisters and I can never replace them!!


Here's more: Some actions may help you to define your needs more clearly. Experimenting with living full time as a woman, taking hormones for a short time under supervision, or taking testosterone suppressers [sic] to observe how you feel are all viable options. Keep in mind that while it is very likely that you might be a transsexual, it is not certain. Do not take severe or permanent actions without long thought and the help of counselors and professionals. I have already taken those steps so it seems more viable to me. Natural homeopathic herbs to induce more female 'growth' and the emergence of Samantha from her male past. Time to put most of that male away, especially when you're painting you own nails bright pink. It's the necessity to be female and transsexual, not a need to be a rebel.

I have several things I am interested in, factors that make me pause but the fact that upon answering these questions truthfully I fell into a classification as a transsexual. I am not unhappy to be here and I am not going to retake this to say it was fake. Look at each question and answer with the best thought that comes to you. I was fortunate to have some quiet time where I could read each answer and answer with my best. May you all have such peace!

We are trapped in an age where transgender people are still the objects of ridicule, laughter and cruelty. They are like a cruel Mistress spanking us and taking to task our gender incongruities. It's time we showed we are more than slaves, more than simpletons. We are real and we are coming to take over the world, because everyone knows...women are smarter! :-)

A tremendous turnaround...

A week ago, I was feeling pretty bleak. Miserable. I had spent time away which usually is a good thing. I was out with family and they 'clocked' a TG girl at a club we were at. I felt very small and uncomfortable. Truth be told, I felt like I was in her heels and I was getting clocked. I felt miserable thinking 'is that all anyone will ever see in me?'

Now a week later, despite the bleakness of the date today, I am back up and feeling happy again. I put it down to one word: FRIENDS.

It's a wonderful, enlightening thing to know people who pull out all the stops when you feel low and raise your spirits. Your self-awareness and self-acceptance should be top of the list. Don't criticize yourself like you may want to do. Instead ask 'what is good about me that I can make better?'. It's tough but until you start coming out to YOURSELF, you'll never be able to come out to others with confidence.

One of my friends reached out telling me I was her ray of sunshine... waking up with a muddled and hazy mind at 5 AM will do that to you...but as soon as I saw that message, I began to perk right up and glow. I didn't even need coffee!! After that as more friends talked to me, I began to see the bigger issue. It wasn't me that was at fault, but I WAS projecting that fault onto others and focusing it back to me. I was shutting Samantha away because I wasn't seeing what I wanted to see. It's a long story, but one most TG folks can attest to.

Suddenly I wanted to get back at it... I didn't want to be shut away like I was trying to convince myself. I felt there was a tremendous rush, like watching an 'It Gets Better' video and identifying with the messages of hope and support. I was still feeling a little trapped, but as the time went along I got more at ease with my own steps. I wanted to get dressed up, do my hair and try out new outfits. I went from being a recluse hating what I was to a girl who was starting to learn to accept herself. And love the fact that she had an incredibly long but ultimately fulfilling journey ahead of her. It was all on me now... and I was going to take it and run.

I have to say that without my friends backing me and showing an outpouring of love I might never have turned it around as I did. They knew that for me to throw away such freedoms and go back to being shackled to the old self was going to be self-destructive to me. And they were right. I realized all I was doing was hurting myself by not seeing a larger acceptance and larger possibilities I could not predict but I knew they were there the instant I felt them.

Sure, I have a long ways to go...don't we all? But once I started to open up and realize who I should be is better than who I am lying to myself that I am, all became much clearer and much more positive.

I LOVE my friends. This world would indeed be a bleak place without them. :)

Feelings Change Course!

Feelings Change Course!

A short while ago I posted how I was missing something in my life, something I admitted was gone. Something never to be seen again. I didn't know what I was missing, I knew there was something that wasn't there. I filled my life with writing, music and dressing up and feeling that I was the mistress of my own destiny. I was the Queen of my own ship.

My how things change. In the last few weeks I became acquainted with a woman of incredible smarts and beauty and she changed my world. I wasn't that reclusive outcast anymore. I was pulled into a reality that showed me being better than who I thought I was.

My girl infatuates me. She writes to me as I would write to me. She showers me with sweet thoughts and compliments. She makes me feel beautiful and special no matter what. It's the kind of life I had only dreamed of before, yet that flower is blossoming.

I am her 'butterfly' and yesterday as I came home I was startled when I saw a small, bright moving shape out of the corner of my eye. I was startled for a moment but I smiled as I saw what it was, a bright and tender little yellow butterfly. I immediately thought of my girl and how she had made me happy whenever we write or talk and I thought "she sent me a butterfly when I needed it to remind me that I am her butterfly." It was a translational moment for me.

Of course my Princess deserves all the kudos, she worked me out from being a rather depressing, self-centered girl to being one who has unlimited boundaries. She calls me beautiful and sends kisses my way. I realize I only reflect the beauty in her soul and words, and I send kisses and music her way. We share a common bond, we know what makes each other happy and that is a wonderful thing.

I have known for a while that I would either pass away a spinster or that special someone who ride into my life, adorned as a Princess and Angel, who would love me for all my faults and frailty of beauty and forgive me should I not be 'full-time'. She would sweep me off my feet as I had swept her and I would be one with her heart just based on the words and comfort we have shared. After all, we have both been demonized by genetic gender and we both long to rip that shroud off, roll the obstacles away, and emerge and true ladies, fair of spirit and sweet of heart. I never thought I would find her.

I did.

My pulse pounds as my keys do typing this... thinking of her fills me with warm joys and joyous thoughts. I feel drawn to her like a moth to her flame, like a bee to her flower, like a butterfly to her orchid, like a small planetoid to her beautiful nebula. She has spread her gossamer beauty into my life, radiating my cheeks and my spirit, uplifting who I am and how I feel. She is a special Angel to me. She has saved me from giving up on love, femininity and the hope for the future.

I will continue to write her poetry and music as long as she lets me. But the fears of finding someone who can accept me as I am is lessened when I realize that she admires, embraces and loves that I am that part trans. She cannot wait to shower me with kisses and hugs and I can't wait to shower her with mine. She's made a different woman emerge these days that loves her friends so much more because this love that pours into me is so beautiful. I don't want to know love if her love is not the sign that my life has finally found a wonderful direction. She is my vast candle that lights me forward, even still slowly, but a guiding light nonetheless. She is my prettiest light and love.

And she has saved my feminine soul!!