I am strong in some ways but I am weak in others... It's been proven that a rose that kisses me infatuates me too!!
I want to show those I love that I am capable of more... I share the desire to be loved and be loved. But I have this need, so many needs actually, to spread my love in new ways.
It's how it is. Really.
It's like this: my honey is my gorgeous lover and I want to please her so much! I have this sense, call it a need, to let her be worshiped by me. It's part of a relationship, the give and take. She gives and I take. As she paddles my rear, she also adorns me with her leash, I feel it is all OK. She makes me proud to be a lesbian, a TS girl who wants to worship her lovely, hard shec***.
Yes, I desire both sides of the sexual spectrum. I think about her gently tying me down and lightly spanking me, Dominating my will as she dominates my masculinity. She is MY lover! And as her sub I want to make her aware of how her thoughts turn me on and show me a bright new world!
It's time to put away the past and time to work toward the future. It's the purest definition of a realtionship. I want to be submissive to her will, but it will take time. I am not that experienced, not a true submissive in every sense. I am just a simple girl!
I have a true method when determining who I will be submissive to. It starts with the idea that being her sub is a way of my life and a thought, a fantasy, we share. She shares her thoughts and ideas and we develop a strategy to play. She feels a tender need to spank me, yet she cannot feminize me because I already am. I am already her submissive female lover. I have learned that many submissives are very strong-willed, creative and very smart. I think I fit that bill!
Because I am transsexual and so is my lover, we can bend gender in interesting ways. I can let her spank me in pure white as the fallen snow all the while my mind filled with thoughts of making love to her. I have these ideas because my mind races when I am with her and my sexual desires peak when she is close to me.
Once in a while we reverse, a practice known as 'Switch'. I put her in her place, but I still revel in her feminine sex. I can't remain that way very long, looking at her reddened buttocks and squirming needs, I surrender the desire to dominate and revert back to being an equal lover with her. Soon we are naked and cuddling, equals among no others and the Switch is over. We are an equal couple again.It puts a fire into our relationship and our sex life fires up by being in different positions. Accepting the will of another, or showing her my will. We go slowly and engage only in healthy play that excites and entices both of us. We want to have so many weapons in our arsenals to keep sex and love exciting!
Laying naked with her, our mutual sex enraged and engorged by close, intimate contact, excites us both. Laying with her I am almost feeling overwhelmed as I know she feels the same. It's part of life and part of the sanctuary of our relationship. She adores me, and I adore her!
We are equal in all matters, but isn't it fun to bend our relationship as we bend our gender? :-)
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Saturday, October 22, 2011
COGIATI!!
As I sit here, dressed in female jeans and looking at painted nails I made a decision to take the COGIATI test.
The COGIATI stands for the COMBINED GENDER IDENTITY AND TRANSSEXUALITY INVENTORY (you can take it here... http://transsexual.org/cogiati/index.php?lang=en) (it's in English... be warned it is geared to people like myself, MtF transgendered ladies...)
It's best if you answer honestly and truthfully how you feel. I looked at each question and tried to answer as best I could.
I scored 195, which is a Grade Four, Probable Transsexual. They suggest: Your situation is potentially serious and indicative of a probable inborn gender conflict. It is definitely recommended that you pursue further action.
This is not news to me but taking this 'test' showed me that I am more female than male. I know it is true, last night I came home and painted my nails. I went around today in girl jeans and wearing nail polish. It was a bit awkward but I just did what I had to do. And everything fell into place. I was happy with that.
Still, some fantasies haunt me a bit, but they are less than a sort of affirmation.If I am free to be me, I chose to be female. If I am free to love, I chose another trans girl first. It's how I relate. Trans girls accept you and don't label you. They love you and don't bother you over details.
I am probably transsexual and I am OK with that!
This is stated: Your gender issues are real, and should not be ignored. This I knew... this is part of a test of am I lying to myself or am I trans? From the indications, I am transsexual. From the indications my desires to paint my nails and wear girl jeans, then go out in public are NOT a publicity stunt. I don't seek attention and I do seek completion. My gender doesn't define me, and yet my gender expression does! It's very hard! I have never ignored my gender issues since I learned that they WERE issues. I have never turned a friend away for thinking something they were not. My trans friends are my sisters and I can never replace them!!
Here's more: Some actions may help you to define your needs more clearly. Experimenting with living full time as a woman, taking hormones for a short time under supervision, or taking testosterone suppressers [sic] to observe how you feel are all viable options. Keep in mind that while it is very likely that you might be a transsexual, it is not certain. Do not take severe or permanent actions without long thought and the help of counselors and professionals. I have already taken those steps so it seems more viable to me. Natural homeopathic herbs to induce more female 'growth' and the emergence of Samantha from her male past. Time to put most of that male away, especially when you're painting you own nails bright pink. It's the necessity to be female and transsexual, not a need to be a rebel.
I have several things I am interested in, factors that make me pause but the fact that upon answering these questions truthfully I fell into a classification as a transsexual. I am not unhappy to be here and I am not going to retake this to say it was fake. Look at each question and answer with the best thought that comes to you. I was fortunate to have some quiet time where I could read each answer and answer with my best. May you all have such peace!
We are trapped in an age where transgender people are still the objects of ridicule, laughter and cruelty. They are like a cruel Mistress spanking us and taking to task our gender incongruities. It's time we showed we are more than slaves, more than simpletons. We are real and we are coming to take over the world, because everyone knows...women are smarter! :-)
The COGIATI stands for the COMBINED GENDER IDENTITY AND TRANSSEXUALITY INVENTORY (you can take it here... http://transsexual.org/cogiati/index.php?lang=en) (it's in English... be warned it is geared to people like myself, MtF transgendered ladies...)
It's best if you answer honestly and truthfully how you feel. I looked at each question and tried to answer as best I could.
I scored 195, which is a Grade Four, Probable Transsexual. They suggest: Your situation is potentially serious and indicative of a probable inborn gender conflict. It is definitely recommended that you pursue further action.
This is not news to me but taking this 'test' showed me that I am more female than male. I know it is true, last night I came home and painted my nails. I went around today in girl jeans and wearing nail polish. It was a bit awkward but I just did what I had to do. And everything fell into place. I was happy with that.
Still, some fantasies haunt me a bit, but they are less than a sort of affirmation.If I am free to be me, I chose to be female. If I am free to love, I chose another trans girl first. It's how I relate. Trans girls accept you and don't label you. They love you and don't bother you over details.
I am probably transsexual and I am OK with that!
This is stated: Your gender issues are real, and should not be ignored. This I knew... this is part of a test of am I lying to myself or am I trans? From the indications, I am transsexual. From the indications my desires to paint my nails and wear girl jeans, then go out in public are NOT a publicity stunt. I don't seek attention and I do seek completion. My gender doesn't define me, and yet my gender expression does! It's very hard! I have never ignored my gender issues since I learned that they WERE issues. I have never turned a friend away for thinking something they were not. My trans friends are my sisters and I can never replace them!!
Here's more: Some actions may help you to define your needs more clearly. Experimenting with living full time as a woman, taking hormones for a short time under supervision, or taking testosterone suppressers [sic] to observe how you feel are all viable options. Keep in mind that while it is very likely that you might be a transsexual, it is not certain. Do not take severe or permanent actions without long thought and the help of counselors and professionals. I have already taken those steps so it seems more viable to me. Natural homeopathic herbs to induce more female 'growth' and the emergence of Samantha from her male past. Time to put most of that male away, especially when you're painting you own nails bright pink. It's the necessity to be female and transsexual, not a need to be a rebel.
I have several things I am interested in, factors that make me pause but the fact that upon answering these questions truthfully I fell into a classification as a transsexual. I am not unhappy to be here and I am not going to retake this to say it was fake. Look at each question and answer with the best thought that comes to you. I was fortunate to have some quiet time where I could read each answer and answer with my best. May you all have such peace!
We are trapped in an age where transgender people are still the objects of ridicule, laughter and cruelty. They are like a cruel Mistress spanking us and taking to task our gender incongruities. It's time we showed we are more than slaves, more than simpletons. We are real and we are coming to take over the world, because everyone knows...women are smarter! :-)
Friday, October 14, 2011
A tremendous turnaround...
A week ago, I was feeling pretty bleak. Miserable. I had spent time away which usually is a good thing. I was out with family and they 'clocked' a TG girl at a club we were at. I felt very small and uncomfortable. Truth be told, I felt like I was in her heels and I was getting clocked. I felt miserable thinking 'is that all anyone will ever see in me?'
Now a week later, despite the bleakness of the date today, I am back up and feeling happy again. I put it down to one word: FRIENDS.
It's a wonderful, enlightening thing to know people who pull out all the stops when you feel low and raise your spirits. Your self-awareness and self-acceptance should be top of the list. Don't criticize yourself like you may want to do. Instead ask 'what is good about me that I can make better?'. It's tough but until you start coming out to YOURSELF, you'll never be able to come out to others with confidence.
One of my friends reached out telling me I was her ray of sunshine... waking up with a muddled and hazy mind at 5 AM will do that to you...but as soon as I saw that message, I began to perk right up and glow. I didn't even need coffee!! After that as more friends talked to me, I began to see the bigger issue. It wasn't me that was at fault, but I WAS projecting that fault onto others and focusing it back to me. I was shutting Samantha away because I wasn't seeing what I wanted to see. It's a long story, but one most TG folks can attest to.
Suddenly I wanted to get back at it... I didn't want to be shut away like I was trying to convince myself. I felt there was a tremendous rush, like watching an 'It Gets Better' video and identifying with the messages of hope and support. I was still feeling a little trapped, but as the time went along I got more at ease with my own steps. I wanted to get dressed up, do my hair and try out new outfits. I went from being a recluse hating what I was to a girl who was starting to learn to accept herself. And love the fact that she had an incredibly long but ultimately fulfilling journey ahead of her. It was all on me now... and I was going to take it and run.
I have to say that without my friends backing me and showing an outpouring of love I might never have turned it around as I did. They knew that for me to throw away such freedoms and go back to being shackled to the old self was going to be self-destructive to me. And they were right. I realized all I was doing was hurting myself by not seeing a larger acceptance and larger possibilities I could not predict but I knew they were there the instant I felt them.
Sure, I have a long ways to go...don't we all? But once I started to open up and realize who I should be is better than who I am lying to myself that I am, all became much clearer and much more positive.
I LOVE my friends. This world would indeed be a bleak place without them. :)
Now a week later, despite the bleakness of the date today, I am back up and feeling happy again. I put it down to one word: FRIENDS.
It's a wonderful, enlightening thing to know people who pull out all the stops when you feel low and raise your spirits. Your self-awareness and self-acceptance should be top of the list. Don't criticize yourself like you may want to do. Instead ask 'what is good about me that I can make better?'. It's tough but until you start coming out to YOURSELF, you'll never be able to come out to others with confidence.
One of my friends reached out telling me I was her ray of sunshine... waking up with a muddled and hazy mind at 5 AM will do that to you...but as soon as I saw that message, I began to perk right up and glow. I didn't even need coffee!! After that as more friends talked to me, I began to see the bigger issue. It wasn't me that was at fault, but I WAS projecting that fault onto others and focusing it back to me. I was shutting Samantha away because I wasn't seeing what I wanted to see. It's a long story, but one most TG folks can attest to.
Suddenly I wanted to get back at it... I didn't want to be shut away like I was trying to convince myself. I felt there was a tremendous rush, like watching an 'It Gets Better' video and identifying with the messages of hope and support. I was still feeling a little trapped, but as the time went along I got more at ease with my own steps. I wanted to get dressed up, do my hair and try out new outfits. I went from being a recluse hating what I was to a girl who was starting to learn to accept herself. And love the fact that she had an incredibly long but ultimately fulfilling journey ahead of her. It was all on me now... and I was going to take it and run.
I have to say that without my friends backing me and showing an outpouring of love I might never have turned it around as I did. They knew that for me to throw away such freedoms and go back to being shackled to the old self was going to be self-destructive to me. And they were right. I realized all I was doing was hurting myself by not seeing a larger acceptance and larger possibilities I could not predict but I knew they were there the instant I felt them.
Sure, I have a long ways to go...don't we all? But once I started to open up and realize who I should be is better than who I am lying to myself that I am, all became much clearer and much more positive.
I LOVE my friends. This world would indeed be a bleak place without them. :)
Feelings Change Course!
Feelings Change Course!
My how things change. In the last few weeks I became acquainted with a woman of incredible smarts and beauty and she changed my world. I wasn't that reclusive outcast anymore. I was pulled into a reality that showed me being better than who I thought I was.
My girl infatuates me. She writes to me as I would write to me. She showers me with sweet thoughts and compliments. She makes me feel beautiful and special no matter what. It's the kind of life I had only dreamed of before, yet that flower is blossoming.
I am her 'butterfly' and yesterday as I came home I was startled when I saw a small, bright moving shape out of the corner of my eye. I was startled for a moment but I smiled as I saw what it was, a bright and tender little yellow butterfly. I immediately thought of my girl and how she had made me happy whenever we write or talk and I thought "she sent me a butterfly when I needed it to remind me that I am her butterfly." It was a translational moment for me.
Of course my Princess deserves all the kudos, she worked me out from being a rather depressing, self-centered girl to being one who has unlimited boundaries. She calls me beautiful and sends kisses my way. I realize I only reflect the beauty in her soul and words, and I send kisses and music her way. We share a common bond, we know what makes each other happy and that is a wonderful thing.
I have known for a while that I would either pass away a spinster or that special someone who ride into my life, adorned as a Princess and Angel, who would love me for all my faults and frailty of beauty and forgive me should I not be 'full-time'. She would sweep me off my feet as I had swept her and I would be one with her heart just based on the words and comfort we have shared. After all, we have both been demonized by genetic gender and we both long to rip that shroud off, roll the obstacles away, and emerge and true ladies, fair of spirit and sweet of heart. I never thought I would find her.
I did.
My pulse pounds as my keys do typing this... thinking of her fills me with warm joys and joyous thoughts. I feel drawn to her like a moth to her flame, like a bee to her flower, like a butterfly to her orchid, like a small planetoid to her beautiful nebula. She has spread her gossamer beauty into my life, radiating my cheeks and my spirit, uplifting who I am and how I feel. She is a special Angel to me. She has saved me from giving up on love, femininity and the hope for the future.
I will continue to write her poetry and music as long as she lets me. But the fears of finding someone who can accept me as I am is lessened when I realize that she admires, embraces and loves that I am that part trans. She cannot wait to shower me with kisses and hugs and I can't wait to shower her with mine. She's made a different woman emerge these days that loves her friends so much more because this love that pours into me is so beautiful. I don't want to know love if her love is not the sign that my life has finally found a wonderful direction. She is my vast candle that lights me forward, even still slowly, but a guiding light nonetheless. She is my prettiest light and love.
And she has saved my feminine soul!!
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