A New Page in a very old story

Sometimes in life you stop and think, about your situation, your goals, your dreams...whatever plops down at that very moment when you draw an unusual aside that actually fits. You find a parallel that you may not have thought about before. A twist on how to arrange things in your mind, often cluttered by a panoply of myriad confused ramblings clamoring for a voice or a way out.

So I happened to be chatting with a girlfriend last night and I started on about the Principia Mathematica, written by Isaac Newton and published in the 1680's. Being somewhat of a science "geekette" I was struck by an interesting parallel to my own life. The Principia, as you may or may not be aware sparked the discovery of calculus (actually Newton had to build the framework of calculus, use it to describe astronomical events and then break it back down into geometry scholars could understand) and I thought, as we were discussing something how I was rather finding the underpinnings of my own existence and how, even if I was not sure how the grand scheme would be, I was finding some diagrams to work it out a little more. Like so:

Now it's true that I have found a complicated way of life, and a confusing one as well. My friend remarked how she found it 'cool' that I could live in-between two worlds as I do. I find it sometimes a true blessing and sometimes I wish I could just make up my mind (that's for another blog, another time...) - let's be honest it does make life a bit challenging! But if the diagram above bears any testament of will, the path from him to Samantha is full of things that will tug you off course. Newton found that the Moon's motion in the sky was incredibly difficult to figure out (he was quoted as saying that it was the one concept he worked on that gave him a headache), so the journey of one girl, all by herself, but not alone, is enough to give one a headache, plus indigestion, dandruff, diarrhea and the shakes all at once! There's no book on how to live life, no quote that magically makes other people understand you. Nope. There ARE resources but the ultimate resource is you have to just go and experiment until you get it right.

So that being said, as I was thinking all this through I figured I needed to 'write' my own guide, at least to myself, and laughingly called it the Principia Samanthatica. Now remember that Newton only had some conceptual ideas and the geometry of Euclid, etc. to base his reasoning off of. He didn't have a rocketship or advanced telescope to make deductions. He just looked at what data he had, figured it out as best he could, tested as best he could and then settled each concept. He was trying to make the data fit the observations and not make the data the pinnacle of some deeper attempt to glaze over a concept and make it something it was not.

So when I start 'writing' the chapters that lead me where I will go, I don't know what the result is. I may have to bend some ideas into shape and I may have to shatter a few chains about myself, gender identity and being fluid about myself. My goal is not to (hopefully) create a mass of confusion but to create a symbol of hope for myself and others. Each day is a chance to construct a diagram, plot out the data and factor it into the greater person. Looking at how you walk, an interaction with someone, a lesson learned, a conversation held, a concept discovered, a skill mastered... all those things are part of this 'book'. By books can we pass along knowledge to those who come after us.

Some will say that being 'fluid' about gender makes one 'not count'. I have heard this a number of times "if you don't fully transition you don't really count." Count for what? I see people all the time that are just barely skimming the surface of gender variance and they count to me, even if they skedaddle from those moments so fast you'd think it was a dragonfly darting here and there, hunting for a quiet spot to rest her wings before moving on to her next great journey in her quest. So is being different than say, you, dear reader, what you're trying to convey to me? That since I am 'different' in my expression or my thinking, I don't 'count'? Yeah, that's a WTF moment... women used to not be able to vote because they were 'different'. African-Americans had to drink from a separate fountain because they were 'different'. Gay people were treated as the scourge of society and the cause of AIDS, because they were 'different'. I don't think I need to draw a diagram to show you that whatever was being lobbed at me made no sense. OK, so I am different than you. Are you sure you're not different too??

Now the factors involved can change, but I am always trying to 'solve for' S. She needs her time among the gals finding out what works and what doesn't. She needs to contemplate her own needs and wants and factor those into that bigger equation. It's not to make the equation harder to understand, or needlessly complex, but just to find out my source, the wellspring that makes me tick and is the framework of who I am. This being is a complex dimension of intricate strands, each with it's own ideology and direction. Some thoughts are like force carrying vectors, you can't see the cause but you can see and prove the effect. So Newton did with the (likely apocryphal) tale of the apple and equating it to the Moon. So Samantha is, in effect, falling towards her gender identity but she never quite reaches it. It takes a degree in analytical reasoning and sound judgement to journey beyond the simple get-up-go-to-work-come-home-walk-the-dog-go-to-bed kind of humdrum life. I have another dimension that adds complexity and, yes, a bit of apprehension, to my existence. I can see the effect, but not the cause. QED

Truth be told, it's a little justification for those that lob these sorts of gems our way (for I am not alone in who I am and what I feel). Just because YOUR box doesn't have room in there for me, so I don't believe I'd want to be in your little velvet container in the first place. You can't accept me for who I am then don't bother with me. And I shall not bother you either. Don't come along and build someone up stating how wonderful it is that 'you' are so terrific, wonderful and caring, but then say you don't count because you are a second (or worse) class citizen in the trans community. Really? So it's one hand reaches out to embrace while the other is brandishing a knife? That's just wonderful, isn't it?

So as this life rolls on, I learn these lessons and you start to see the paint chip away from other people too. You realize that you play by that 'golden rule' but when others don't you start to figure out deeper meanings to how the paradigm shifts to fit their expectations of who you should be. Sorry but no one defines me BUT me. If you say I am an outsider, a bitch, a confused coagulation or I don't count, then so be it. Don't let it bother you because I don't need it in my life, but I will tell you that finding out what is under that rock will sometimes make you shiver or make your skin crawl. Peeling away the outside often is just fine, you get to know someone well, the inner layers are better than the outer shell can hold. Their framework is a diagram of content leisure and understanding. Still, as Newton wrote 'every action has an equal and opposite Reaction'; so it is the case with the trans community, we see some elements that don't want a gender fluid or a dynamically different person in their midst because we're not the same as you'd like us to be. I've heard it time and time again... people who call you names because you aren't following in THEIR footsteps. If you were a true 'leader', you'd embrace everyone and help them see their potential and built up their strengths and shore up their weaknesses, not call them names, honey. It's just you trying to throw shadows on your life by making fun (or calling people names) to cover the fact it once happened to you. You hated it and were ashamed. Now the heel fits and you are kicking out at others because you feel you are empowered. Or mightier than others, or... whatever. The framework works out like that. Not every result of your calculations is going to work itself out to a nice simple answer. Newton said "I can calculate the motions of the heavenly bodies, but not the madness of people." You can calculate the result of an equation via one method and get one answer, change the way you do it and you get a different answer. And then the self-doubt creeps in and you wonder if maybe BOTH answers are wrong. Sometimes they are, truth be told. You sometimes need to just break off bits and pieces, deducing what you need and leaving the rest aside for a later time. It's also easier to simplify things by substitution in order to make the larger picture more worthwhile. It's the same with life, sometimes the simple outweighs the complex, and can be extraordinarily elegant, like a fine woman in a superb and gorgeous gown.

OK... so I hope I am making a small point as you read this and maybe you take this into YOUR heart and nurture it. Looking at the underlying framework of who you are, the factors that made you who you are and what you will become, they are all there. Look at people whom you admire, for their courage, steadfastness, artistry, whatever... trans or not. Look at them and use their life, their actions and their understanding to bolster your own and build you up higher. Their actions can often lead you to think about your own decisions and help guide you to the solution that works best for you.

Even Newton didn't just wake up and think 'gee, I think I'll go discover a new branch of mathematics today' and shuffle off with his pipe and robe to scrawl some notes. He himself wrote "if I have seen a little further, it is only from standing on the shoulders of Giants". Let that guide you, inspire you or maybe just awaken that sense of the framework of your own life and use it to create something uniquely your own.

May your solution be elegant and may your harmony be completing.