We get lost...we become totally afraid and hide the truth from ourselves. Being lost is the worst feeling ever.
Today my young brother was very distraught, in anguish and in pain. Of course his sister was distraught as well and wanted to help him see where he was and what a special young chap he is.
When I was a kid, I hated who I was and I never had anyone who could explain why I was feeling like hanging out with other girls was OK. Why was I the 'mommy' when playing house with my best friend (who was a girl). Why was I OK accepting being a weak boy who never wanted to do much more than cry and bawl when their feelings were hurt. Why was it that I couldn't see, and hate, who I was back then and use it to become a strong, beefy man? Why, oh why?
Because it wasn't who I am.
My dear brother expressed a lot of anguish in a few heartfelt posts about who they felt they were not. And I knew immediately the feelings behind those words. I hate being the awkward girl, the not very girly woman who doesn't often fit in. She's not the most beautiful gal at the prom.
But when I thought this way my sister Kathy wrote 'you have a wonderful heart and a great personality". And my young brother is the same way. He's got this incredible light inside him that he can't see, yet. But I can!
Today as we got pelted with rain and slushy snow dissolved all over the place, the gray blanket stretched overhead like a tarp, I went to the kitchen to get something. I looked down for a moment and there, stretched across the floor, was a beam of sunlight. It was if nature was trying to say that the comforts I told my young brother were the right thing to do. It was if the clouds parted at that moment to remind me how wonderful it can be to be a strong and wonderful presence to another transgender human being.
Tears were exchanged through this heartfelt dialog but I never want to give up. I want to be his strength when he needs it, as his has built me up when I needed it. It was like I was seeing myself years ago and instead of hiding and trembling, I was ready to step forward and reach out my hand to someone who is going through what I went through.
Once upon a time I hated me. Once upon a time I thought I was a freak, an abomination and afraid of being seen in the fact that I liked to dress like a girl. I was alone, in the dark, afraid. I was hating myself. I contemplated suicide many times.
My brother now makes me see why I never could go through with it... it was our destiny to come together, over time, and make that connection. It was like the sun broke through the clouds of depression and shined a light on me that I couldn't fathom and he hasn't yet seen to it's full glory. That day will come.
So as I write this, I see the parallels. I tried hard to be a 'man' and buck up, but it never made me fit in. I wasn't the 'manly man' and now I know why. I wasn't born that way. But my brother sees in himself people he would rather not. I do to. When I look a certain way I cringe, I see my mom in me and she is not accepting. My family isn't. It's a tough place to be.
So when my brother says what I saw in me, I get that gut-punch reaction. I was in that place, afraid and cringing. Asking the powers that be WHY? WHY DO I WANT TO BE A WOMAN? WHY CAN'T I JUST BE 'NORMAL'??? Then his words hit me like a ton of bricks.
He didn't want to feel this way, he didn't want to show the world how wonderful HE was because HE couldn't see how special he was. When I felt the strongest anti-female feelings, I was alone. Afraid. I didn't have friends that would understand. I was ready to call it quits.
He's got so many friends looking over him, caring and concerned. It's like we are his guardian angels. I'm so happy that we connected no matter what. It's like the light of being who I really am is bursting forth like those sunbeams breaking through. A special young man needs some love, a lot of support and friends who care and love him.
And his sister loves him!
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