I wanted to take a moment (or several lol) to make a commentary on appearance. I have a good friend in mind here but I will not use her real name. I'll just call her Lady.
Lady recently wrote to me expressing how lovely she thought I looked in an outfit I had picked out for a night out with my sisters. It was a very simple outfit, a blue velvet top with peek-a-boo shoulders, skinny jeans and a simple belt. Topped off with a nice set of boots I was ready for the evening.
We had a lot of fun that night, it was enjoyable to be out as myself and chat with friends. Too soon the evening was over and it was back to the daily grind for us. It was a wonderful feeling to be out.
Fast forward to now. Lady writes how I should be wearing a nice skirt and tights (she's got a good point) to show off my legs. She compliments my style and flatters me with lovely compliments I blush over. She wants to see me show off my legs and be out as myself. She has done a lot to uplift me (and I am sure she has more coming).
I've been told that I have some very feminine qualities which is wonderful to hear because I was never allowed to express them. I was always afraid to show my legs, even in shorts, because I never liked them. But adorned with pantyhose and a nice skirt, they aren't too bad at all. Almost attractive :-)
When I 'protested' that she wasn't showing her legs, she commented on all sorts of reasons why. I can respect a girl who is contentious of her weight and size but I need to say something: a person's size matters not. It's the size of their heart that really counts.
In the trans landscape we are often viciously critical of our own bodies and we cannot see how we look to outsiders. Sometimes I look at my photos and wonder just what do they see in me that I cannot see in myself? Tough question.
So when others say this about themselves, I can quickly find myriad reasons for hope. You have beautiful hair! Look at that wonderful dress you have! Why your eyes are simply astonishing! I don't hesitate to see or speak of it. And yet I put it away when I look inwards, at myself. I only see what poison I was fed for so many years and shrink from feeling like adjectives such as beautiful, gorgeous, amazing or, dare I say it - sexy, apply to me.
My dear Lady even went out of her way to say I should be strutting on the catwalk. I got the sense of Right Said Fred singing I'm Too Sexy and saying how he would shake his "little tush" on the catwalk. I felt it wasn't really me, I wasn't the stuff catwalks are made of. However if Lady were strutting her stuff I would be cheering her on and, if I could manage it, whistling cat calls from the audience. I'm like that.
So when she mentioned that she needed to get photos up of herself and how she felt like she was not as pretty as she would like, Again, I felt like she was saying she had no beauty, despite her deep inner wondrous beauty. I was not ready to let her fall to the forces of darkness all to prevalent in our lives. She wanted to hide away, content to be a cheerleader to others when she may not be aware that we would be equally cheering her on. I know self-image is a sore point with so many, especially women, and it doesn't need to be. We need to stop obsessing over what makes us 'sexy' and 'feminine' and instead focus on what makes us what we are: HUMAN.
So her words caused an immediate reaction, one of support and friendship, but it brings me to another point: why can't I see that in myself? Truth be told I guess it's because I hid everything away in shame, embarrassment and fear that I could never see what I was capable of. It was quite shocking in some aspects.
In the lyrics of 'Heroine' we see this:
Alone, thy will be done
confessed, but you still feel the shame
To me I was always alone, I confessed to myself that I was living the idea of deep shame. I wasn't supposed to act, or be this way! The killer is being alone.
When Lady - or indeed any of my friends feel this way - I am subconsciously reminded that I was in the same boat. Indeed I still am in many ways. I immediately leap forward to say what I need to say, to support and encourage them. I don't ever want to have someone feel they are ugly, despised or alone. I don't work that way. It's part of my inner girl. My Samantha.
So Lady, if you read this, and I sincerely hope you will, I hope that my words will mean something to you. You need to bring your light out into the world and never fear the judgement. Those that judge you based on your height, weight, or appearance are all more shallow than a small puddle that appears after a spring shower. The ones who love, care about and respect you have hearts deeper than the sea. Deeper than the depths of the Universe, because we all see the real you and the real you is so beautiful!!
I promise I shall try to see myself in a better light and uplift myself as well. Perhaps one day those glorious legs you seek shall make their appearance on the catwalk of life and the smiles and hugs shared will be worth it all. We are both special and you have no idea until you stop putting yourself in a box others make for you. I promise I shall do my darnedest to make sure I do - and you need to do the same!
Keep smiling, dear Lady, for you are one special woman and you ARE beautiful... inside and out!!
I can identify with both you and Lady. A couple of years ago, I happened onto the profile of a girl I dated my first year in college. She was that one for me - sorta like the girl in MacArthur Park. We corresponded for a while and as we talked about the old days (39 years before is the old days!) we were sharing what made the other so dear that we could just pick up the friendship after having no contact for all that time. One of the things she said was that she had always thought she was ugly, and that I was the first person to make her feel pretty. I've always been like you and Lady in that regard.
ReplyDeleteBut I've always thought that I was ugly. Then in 2005 - I'm 52 at the time - my dad died. As we were receiving people at the funeral home, someone came up to me and said, "You look just like your dad!" That was such a turning point for me. My dad was a handsome dude - therefore I must be handsome too.
But it is hard to transfer that into the image I have of my real self - Nicole. One thing that is different now is that when people tell me that I look good, I thank them - then I ponder it in my heart. You see, we are our own worst critic, and other people see us in a whole different light. I like their light!
Well said, Samantha! We all have moments of self loathing and doubt. That's why all of us friends need to remind one another of our beauty and strengths! What the Lady needs to remember is that a few pounds is temporary, easy to remedy and probably not anywhere near as bad as she thinks that it is. You my dear lady are very lovely!
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