Island in a Confusing Stream (Part One)

It's funny how people will tell you "nothing is in black & white" or "cut and dry doesn't exist" or whatever. Take a prism and a beam of sunlight, you'll see an explosion of all the visible colors exploding forth from what looks like a single intense beam of the purest white light. A princess bride, walking down her aisle, her hair, makeup and dress so perfect, so right, so, well, perfect. And then the prism shifts our perspective and in a flash that exterior perfection is made up of so many other details glossed over by the prettiness of her appearance is augmented, shifted, subtly changed by the facts of her background, her life and her spirit. Makeup, a pretty dress and hair done to perfection can cloud our eyes to the inner realms of what the lady is like outside of such formal attire and circumstances.

In many cultures, people are obsessed with beauty. A man needs to be handsome and debonair, ripped abs and oiled, tanned skin, preferably in a skimpy bathing suit. A woman needs to have unblemished skin, long flowing hair and a thin, curvy body that seems to crave the beach and overwhelms nearby butterflies and small children.

I've said it before, I don't believe any of us ever fit into that category of beauty. We can't have others see us through a set of rose-colored Photoshop glasses in real life. We don't fit into one position or the other. Some people have a terrific outgoing personality and are very loving and sensual, but they have an issue with their weight. Others have an "eleven on a ten scale" body, a vision of loveliness but their personality is acrid, scathing, rude and even bigoted. There are so many shades of human character and personality.

I'm not dwelling on the physical beauty and personality traits of human culture, but I wanted to draw your attention to it because I personally believe gender is the same way. We are put into a box because we "have a Y chromosome" or we have genitals that are defined as 'male' or 'female'. Our gender identity is based on a physical manifestation of something only the person inside can actually feel.

For example:

Most people will look at the photo and try to guess 'are these people male or are they female". Admit it, you found yourself thinking that. You found yourself thinking that way as well... it's human nature to classify and want to organize your thoughts to fit a certain specific set of equations that you may or may not actually believe you have the answers to. You become uncertain, rather as Darwin did when voyaging on the Beagle. Did this creatures come about by chance or were there larger forces at work to sculpt them into the shapes and forms and features that his direct scientific observation found by looking at what he saw with his own eyes. Admit it, you don't know what you are seeing, totally, as fitting into a gender-conforming idyll. You may or may not want to but you do. You classify the people in the picture as "Gee, I think that's..." or "I'm almost positive that...", etc.

I don't conform either. I admit that. I look at the photos and I see a human being, who perhaps being a lot like me, perhaps doesn't feel they fit into that mold. I have a friend who is growing their hair out and long (and it is beautiful hair as well) and they get met with ignorant phrases like "dudette". I can't express how terrible this is that a person can treat another this way. I tend to rather think if they were built like Lou Ferrigno in the days of 'The Incredible Hulk' or they were, perhaps carrying a machete or a machine gun, the reaction would be subdued and respectful. Because you can taunt someone else you feel empowered, but the truth is the taunters feel cheap and hollow inside, so they try to drive up the ante of popularity by laughing at someone else. The others in a group often feel just as uneasy and they laugh nervously at the presupposed 'witticism'.

I find myself a blend, a mixture of feelings. Although I always felt myself as being internally geared to be female, I am also geared in a male way as well. I have feelings that blur and reshape the gender boundaries. My gender expression is leaning more and more to the androgynous, I want to wear what I am comfortable in. I am lucky that I got to know a person who is very similar in how they feel and it got me thinking. Later I expressed a whole whale of different feelings and questions to another friend. They expressed, not that this should be a shocker, that they "didn't understand how I could move back and forth" and yet they still supported me and tried to equate their feelings with how I felt. I don't feel black and white, cut and dry. Unless you have been there or are going through this, you don't get it. "Oh, but you MUST be one or the other, darling," is a typical exclamation. You can't be expected to play for both teams, you must choose. "Du mußt Amboß oder Hammer sein." You cannot be both! That is strictly forbidden.

Yet somehow I sense in myself that I ebb and flow, a stream of consciousness that is not binary. The weather rarely is, why should I be? Because I have that inner feminine creature, a beauty to be sure, I can't have that exterior creature as well. Someone said it's because of the "male privilege" but I don't think it's that. It's more complex than that.- I know some of the factors in that as-yet-unsolved equation. I don't have all the answers, probably I never will.

But for someone who is always being told or thought of as one or the other, I am neither. I am lucky that most of the aspects of maleness passed me by, I believe that my inner self spared me the ravages of being "macho" and "rough and tough" and instead washed me in sensitivity and caring, nurturing my way through life instead of driving a steamroller over it. Androgynous people have always been a, and I apologize if this is "TMI", a big turn-on for me.

This person again makes you question, makes you wonder, even though you are once again classifying this person asking which gender this person is. Instead of looking at who this person is. I see a person who can blend both genders into one. I find people like this deeply attractive, not for the basic surface things like hair, makeup, clothes, etc. but that the person is perhaps feeling a little like both are an expression of their true selves. They are not "in a box". They have been described as having the best of both worlds and it is true.

We are so used to the classification systems that we grew up learning. I hear this time and again "girls play with dolls, boys play with trucks." I was often the "mother" character growing up. I was comfortable liking that role and being in that persona. I was not vilifying my supposed gender by pretending to be something I am not. I am probably more 'genderqueer' in reality that I supposed. As I aged, I was informed that this was not how things were. Boys didn't want to dress up as women for Halloween. Feeling comfortable in silky lingerie was taboo. People laughed at you because you were different. You were taunted, bullied, harassed and pushed around. Sounds like any other non-"normal" black and white group. If you weren't heterosexual you were outcast. If you were a girl who wore all black, Doc Martin's and jeans all the time, you were an outcast. If you were supposed to be "a man" and you like wearing girl's clothes, you were an outcast. I am surprised more weren't in the outcast group since it seemed like anything you did that was slightly different would be all over the place in next to no time at all.

I thought and feel so many different feelings, it is hard to keep it all in one blog... this one I need to continue. In the meantime feel free to rethink those gender "norms" and don't be afraid to love the person you are, even if you don't fit in entirely with what people would have you be.

(TO BE CONTINUED...........)

The Eye of the Beholder

I wanted to take a moment (or several lol) to make a commentary on appearance. I have a good friend in mind here but I will not use her real name. I'll just call her Lady.

Lady recently wrote to me expressing how lovely she thought I looked in an outfit I had picked out for a night out with my sisters. It was a very simple outfit, a blue velvet top with peek-a-boo shoulders, skinny jeans and a simple belt. Topped off with a nice set of boots I was ready for the evening.

We had a lot of fun that night, it was enjoyable to be out as myself and chat with friends. Too soon the evening was over and it was back to the daily grind for us. It was a wonderful feeling to be out.

Fast forward to now. Lady writes how I should be wearing a nice skirt and tights (she's got a good point) to show off my legs. She compliments my style and flatters me with lovely compliments I blush over. She wants to see me show off my legs and be out as myself. She has done a lot to uplift me (and I am sure she has more coming).

I've been told that I have some very feminine qualities which is wonderful to hear because I was never allowed to express them. I was always afraid to show my legs, even in shorts, because I never liked them. But adorned with pantyhose and a nice skirt, they aren't too bad at all. Almost attractive :-)

When I 'protested' that she wasn't showing her legs, she commented on all sorts of reasons why. I can respect a girl who is contentious of her weight and size but I need to say something: a person's size matters not. It's the size of their heart that really counts.

In the trans landscape we are often viciously critical of our own bodies and we cannot see how we look to outsiders. Sometimes I look at my photos and wonder just what do they see in me that I cannot see in myself? Tough question.

So when others say this about themselves, I can quickly find myriad reasons for hope. You have beautiful hair! Look at that wonderful dress you have! Why your eyes are simply astonishing! I don't hesitate to see or speak of it. And yet I put it away when I look inwards, at myself. I only see what poison I was fed for so many years and shrink from feeling like adjectives such as beautiful, gorgeous, amazing or, dare I say it - sexy, apply to me.

My dear Lady even went out of her way to say I should be strutting on the catwalk. I got the sense of Right Said Fred singing I'm Too Sexy and saying how he would shake his "little tush" on the catwalk. I felt it wasn't really me, I wasn't the stuff catwalks are made of. However if Lady were strutting her stuff I would be cheering her on and, if I could manage it, whistling cat calls from the audience. I'm like that.

So when she mentioned that she needed to get photos up of herself and how she felt like she was not as pretty as she would like, Again, I felt like she was saying she had no beauty, despite her deep inner wondrous beauty. I was not ready to let her fall to the forces of darkness all to prevalent in our lives. She wanted to hide away, content to be a cheerleader to others when she may not be aware that we would be equally cheering her on. I know self-image is a sore point with so many, especially women, and it doesn't need to be. We need to stop obsessing over what makes us 'sexy' and 'feminine' and instead focus on what makes us what we are: HUMAN.

So her words caused an immediate reaction, one of support and friendship, but it brings me to another point: why can't I see that in myself? Truth be told I guess it's because I hid everything away in shame, embarrassment and fear that I could never see what I was capable of. It was quite shocking in some aspects.

In the lyrics of 'Heroine' we see this:
Alone, thy will be done
confessed, but you still feel the shame 

To me I was always alone, I confessed to myself that I was living the idea of deep shame. I wasn't supposed to act, or be this way! The killer is being alone.

When Lady - or indeed any of my friends feel this way - I am subconsciously reminded that I was in the same boat. Indeed I still am in many ways. I immediately leap forward to say what I need to say, to support and encourage them. I don't ever want to have someone feel they are ugly, despised or alone. I don't work that way. It's part of my inner girl. My Samantha.

So Lady, if you read this, and I sincerely hope you will, I hope that my words will mean something to you. You need to bring your light out into the world and never fear the judgement. Those that judge you based on your height, weight, or appearance are all more shallow than a small puddle that appears after a spring shower. The ones who love, care about and respect you have hearts deeper than the sea. Deeper than the depths of the Universe, because we all see the real you and the real you is so beautiful!!

I promise I shall try to see myself in a better light and uplift myself as well. Perhaps one day those glorious legs you seek shall make their appearance on the catwalk of life and the smiles and hugs shared will be worth it all. We are both special and you have no idea until you stop putting yourself in a box others make for you. I promise I shall do my darnedest to make sure I do - and you need to do the same!

Keep smiling, dear Lady, for you are one special woman and you ARE beautiful... inside and out!!

Oh Brother, where are thou?

We get lost...we become totally afraid and hide the truth from ourselves. Being lost is the worst feeling ever.

Today my young brother was very distraught, in anguish and in pain. Of course his sister was distraught as well and wanted to help him see where he was and what a special young chap he is.

When I was a kid, I hated who I was and I never had anyone who could explain why I was feeling like hanging out with other girls was OK. Why was I the 'mommy' when playing house with my best friend (who was a girl). Why was I OK accepting being a weak boy who never wanted to do much more than cry and bawl when their feelings were hurt. Why was it that I couldn't see, and hate, who I was back then and use it to become a strong, beefy man? Why, oh why?

Because it wasn't who I am.

My dear brother expressed a lot of anguish in a few heartfelt posts about who they felt they were not. And I knew immediately the feelings behind those words. I hate being the awkward girl, the not very girly woman who doesn't often fit in. She's not the most beautiful gal at the prom.

But when I thought this way my sister Kathy wrote 'you have a wonderful heart and a great personality". And my young brother is the same way. He's got this incredible light inside him that he can't see, yet. But I can!

Today as we got pelted with rain and slushy snow dissolved all over the place, the gray blanket stretched overhead like a tarp, I went to the kitchen to get something. I looked down for a moment and there, stretched across the floor, was a beam of sunlight. It was if nature was trying to say that the comforts I told my young brother were the right thing to do. It was if the clouds parted at that moment to remind me how wonderful it can be to be a strong and wonderful presence to another transgender human being.

Tears were exchanged through this heartfelt dialog but I never want to give up. I want to be his strength when he needs it, as his has built me up when I needed it. It was like I was seeing myself years ago and instead of hiding and trembling, I was ready to step forward and reach out my hand to someone who is going through what I went through.

Once upon a time I hated me. Once upon a time I thought I was a freak, an abomination and afraid of being seen in the fact that I liked to dress like a girl. I was alone, in the dark, afraid. I was hating myself. I contemplated suicide many times.

My brother now makes me see why I never could go through with it... it was our destiny to come together, over time, and make that connection. It was like the sun broke through the clouds of depression and shined a light on me that I couldn't fathom and he hasn't yet seen to it's full glory. That day will come.

So as I write this, I see the parallels. I tried hard to be a 'man' and buck up, but it never made me fit in. I wasn't the 'manly man' and now I know why. I wasn't born that way. But my brother sees in himself people he would rather not. I do to. When I look a certain way I cringe, I see my mom in me and she is not accepting. My family isn't. It's a tough place to be.

So when my brother says what I saw in me, I get that gut-punch reaction. I was in that place, afraid and cringing. Asking the powers that be WHY? WHY DO I WANT TO BE A WOMAN? WHY CAN'T I JUST BE 'NORMAL'??? Then his words hit me like a ton of bricks.

He didn't want to feel this way, he didn't want to show the world how wonderful HE was because HE couldn't see how special he was. When I felt the strongest anti-female feelings, I was alone. Afraid. I didn't have friends that would understand. I was ready to call it quits.

He's got so many friends looking over him, caring and concerned. It's like we are his guardian angels. I'm so happy that we connected no matter what. It's like the light of being who I really am is bursting forth like those sunbeams breaking through. A special young man needs some love, a lot of support and friends who care and love him.

And his sister loves him!

A Fine Young Man

Once in a great while you come across someone who just makes your heart leap a little, their kindness, friendship and support make your pulse speed up a little thinking the ultimate question: What if...?

Here I mean the type of camaraderie that comes from a new and wonderful friendship, a person whom you can show some of your experience to help guide them forward in their own life. And they in turn, younger and with more energy than these old bones can often muster, excitedly talks about their path ahead.

"I just want to be the best man I can be..." he says, a hopeful tinge to the words - as if uncertain it's possible.

It IS possible, it DOES happen and it WILL happen!!

This much is truth: we often take aim at ourselves as others do to us. The people who should back us up take a reeling stance backwards and we recoil from that almost physical blow). It's happen to a lot of us. Acceptance isn't something you can pick up in a hardware store or a grocery aisle.

So thinking about my own life and direction, this young, sweet gentleman comes along talking about his goals and wishes. He's fully supportive of me, and I of him. He's feeling down and sad because his parents aren't yet seeing what this young man sees. It's the same as the female I see in me. This young man reminds me of a younger me. Caring, sweet and a lover of nature. But whereas I was painfully shy and avoided talking to people, he's talked about going out, cutting their hair and finding that path to their personal journey. It's the same all around us, the whole transgender population. Each of us figuring out things on our own, but there's our friends supporting us and helping us.

This fine young man has a world opening up like a chrysanthemum showing it's beauty. The future is bright and full of hope, this gentleman is excited and eager to start new steps toward his ultimate goals.

 He hopes he has the strength to make it. Men are usually known for strength, vitality and confidence. It's why I didn't make a very good one. But this young man, despite the challenges he knows are there, he holds his head up, dreams of HRT and becoming the man he is, way down inside.

I don't know a lot of FTM's but I have gotten to know two really amazing ones. One just told us "I've got facial hair now!!" and we were all so happy (I'd gladly donate mine lol). This young man, truly sweet, is starting on that journey, a journey that will have ups and downs, but in order to be who we NEED to be, we sometimes have to "fly in the face of convention". His words made me consider my own situation. I was reminded of myself in younger days by reading the words he says, hopeful and excited, charged full of energy. He is like looking at me in younger days, in some aspects. If I could, I would give him that chance, but I can give my support, my friendship, my hugs from afar or close by.

So when he tells me "I just want to be the best man I can be..." all I can say is this:

You already are, sweet young gentleman, you already are!

Hugs!!