It's a Blend

So of late I had been thinking more and more about gender, sexuality and my role in both. Yes, you can let the room clear of smoke before continuing to read... I apologize if your eyes are watering.

So treading this ground of gender and feelings is a tough one but I have a few things on my side (at least I hope they are!):

-- FEELINGS: I know what I enjoy, what I dream about, what fires my desires and ambitions and they are valid because they are mine. No one can take that away from me.

-- EMOTIONS: Yes, they are like feelings but deeper down. The chord of truth is struck when you do something that makes you feel good, even if it's perhaps in conflict with your other emotional responses or those responses others would have to project upon you.

-- PHYSICAL: One cannot deny the existence of the physical self. It's there. When you shed all the worries, the baubles, the concealments and the clothes there you are. You are in plain sight of yourself and some will know it's not congruent with who they know they are. That is totally fine with me since I am often torn about it myself. I'm happy for those who can conform the one to be the shape of the true inner self.

My body shape isn't always conducive to projecting a true female persona, but she's leggy and smart and well she's got a little chunk of the world in her cup.

But like mixing your morning cup (coffee, tea, cocoa, whatever suits you) you mix the ingredients (milk, sugar, honey, etc.) together and you come up with a blend. And of late, that is what I have found is that I, like the coffee, am a blend.

I'm not the binary that many people I know are. I am bits of several different beings condensed into one form. It's not traditional male or female, but I am not traditional male/female inside either. It's tough to explain but it's like this: My body has emotional senses which are mostly female, but some deep emotional needs respond male and are enjoyable. I figure if you read that a few times you might get what I am saying without me having to spell it out.

Now what's a girl to do with these feelings?? I just wanted to know if I was alone, something I have felt before. I feared exclusion from people I knew and loved but I was sure would not understand the split. I have had dreams upon dreams torn between the two realms, the kingdom of light and the kingdom of ... pleasure, shall we say?

Now my body is no temple to be adorned and venerated, but it's mine and I generally know how to use it. I have that sense, deep down of being two entities that seems to ying and yang, mix and coalesce. It's not like oil and water. It's more like smoke and fog, from a distance you can't tell one from the other. And I can't tell you my one from my other.

I was often told it was "wrong" to think one way or the other. It was flat out wrong to feel that although I enjoy being female the other side of the tracks was off limits. I was told you are one or the other, not both or neither! It's not allowed!! Play by the rules, dammit, or go to bed without any supper!!

Crossing gender boundaries is nothing new and, even though I suspected it would never work out, I learned something new in the journey. I was not ashamed to admit that certain senses of mine I enjoy and they give me great happiness. It's one of the few ways to express the inner self that is there, waiting, just below the surface of the skin ready to well up and burst through to the surface. For the first time I was not ashamed of being one versus the other. My life was not a vat of hatred over who I was and what I looked like.

I was becoming whole.

I am not saying this journey is done, nope. It's just beginning but life has changed in a different way of late. I have felt more like who I am is not a mistake and is not wrong. I realized that my feelings are valid, whole and part of the fabric of the person within. I am not binary and I am not nothing. I guess I am the solvent in which thoughts and ideas become interspersed with each other and they form this completeness. I don't know what this journey means to me, but it's sure changed a lot since I first started experimenting with clothes all those years ago. And I am still experimenting, although on a more adult level. I am finding out who I am and who I am I am finally beginning to see joy and enjoyment. I am beginning to feel there is a unique me waiting there, ready and willing to be more and more open about who she is and what she feels.

She is me and I am her. Together we are a blend. It's as complicated and yet simple as that.